Worship Part 1
A journal entry. Late eve of the first week of May. A study on Worship.
I have come up against much opposition both in mind and in spirit when I set my heart to seek the Lord this past month. Moreover pertaining to that sin in the mind that I cursed myself with through my previous ways before I was given life by the Lord. The same despondency forced me to spend long nights away from the comforts of my bed, away from my wife, and instead lie prostrate on the floor with heaviness of heart. Not uttering a word of prayer or request, but desperately beating my mind into submission as the good apostle did say about his body; I struggled in anguish to do nothing and think nothing, but worship before my God.
This year has led me to spend more and more time alone in secret prayer, not to say that I have achieved much in doing so, but the more I did, the more God seemed to be farther away. The more I followed him, the more he led me out into the wilderness. The more I called out to him, the more He silently walked on; and yet I followed him. Not knowing where I am being led, nor caring to find out. Like the Cyrenian who carried the Lord's cross, my eye is fixed on Christ as he walked in front of me bleeding.
“Come with Me alone to a desolate place, and rest a while.” Mark 6:31
He seemed to impress this upon me. The past year and months have given me much to do in assisting the Lord's work in Batia, Bulacan. I have been allowed to speak at the most twice each month. Some would count this a feat, but each time I am left in want and despair. Trembling with dread. Not once have I taken to the pulpit without spending the night on the floor, till even before I am called to step up. It was told to me by more experienced men that a sermon takes at least 3 days to a week to prepare, but in my mind I ask, "How long does it take, O Lord, to lay before you and wait for unction and anointing?" Is He more concerned for our undisturbed Sunday routine and programs, or would He rather prefer a soul to set his face to seek the living God and to lay hold of His fire?
Can a man truly think himself to be a servant of the most high God, yet be a stranger to the prayer closet, and still sought to perform each week before a crowd of people who are themselves, strangers to the prayer closet? It is a most grievous thought to me. To be asked to feed my fellow sheep, and seek the Lord in prayer for the power to do so. I know neither to preach nor to pray, yet I am asked to do both. I am strained between the two. If I decline to preach, I have not faith; for God has promised to answer those who ask and seek for wisdom. He gives to all who ask liberally and does not hold back. If I do not pray, then I have not faith as well; for God has called me in Christ to fellowship with him. All who are mine belong to you, and you have given them to me.. (John 17:10)
This year has led me to spend more and more time alone in secret prayer, not to say that I have achieved much in doing so, but the more I did, the more God seemed to be farther away. The more I followed him, the more he led me out into the wilderness. The more I called out to him, the more He silently walked on; and yet I followed him. Not knowing where I am being led, nor caring to find out. Like the Cyrenian who carried the Lord's cross, my eye is fixed on Christ as he walked in front of me bleeding.
“Come with Me alone to a desolate place, and rest a while.” Mark 6:31
He seemed to impress this upon me. The past year and months have given me much to do in assisting the Lord's work in Batia, Bulacan. I have been allowed to speak at the most twice each month. Some would count this a feat, but each time I am left in want and despair. Trembling with dread. Not once have I taken to the pulpit without spending the night on the floor, till even before I am called to step up. It was told to me by more experienced men that a sermon takes at least 3 days to a week to prepare, but in my mind I ask, "How long does it take, O Lord, to lay before you and wait for unction and anointing?" Is He more concerned for our undisturbed Sunday routine and programs, or would He rather prefer a soul to set his face to seek the living God and to lay hold of His fire?
Can a man truly think himself to be a servant of the most high God, yet be a stranger to the prayer closet, and still sought to perform each week before a crowd of people who are themselves, strangers to the prayer closet? It is a most grievous thought to me. To be asked to feed my fellow sheep, and seek the Lord in prayer for the power to do so. I know neither to preach nor to pray, yet I am asked to do both. I am strained between the two. If I decline to preach, I have not faith; for God has promised to answer those who ask and seek for wisdom. He gives to all who ask liberally and does not hold back. If I do not pray, then I have not faith as well; for God has called me in Christ to fellowship with him. All who are mine belong to you, and you have given them to me.. (John 17:10)
But an unspeakable task and privilege is laid out before me: First, to be part of the Ecclesia, the ones whom He has called out, and second, to proclaim the glories of the risen Christ. And though more often than I call on God, my eyes draw back to look at my own frailty and failures, like Peter I lose faith and sink in the waves of utter despair: I cry out. And my God always hears. This glorious truth have I learned in my dark nights: He always hears the cries of his most weakest servants. He not only hears me, He answers me. He not only answers me, but He answers me most mightily.
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