The Sincerity of a Fool's Prayer

Having immersed myself in a few accounts of notable missionaries these past nights I find the peculiarities of our present situation less disconcerting and more comforting—knowing we are in the center of God's will pertaining to His Gospel. I had previously thought and endeavored much to steer our ministry towards observing the accepted standards of what is defined today as "church". To attain formality or to be recognized officially. But what is it really, if not to simply invite people to sit in the pew and listen to a sermon during Sunday and keep with "Christian" fellowship and activities? Twice I have pursued this, twice I've hit a wall. God was leading me to another direction it seems. I surrendered and waited on Him instead. However, after reading about missiology these past few evenings, I have come to understand it better: that I am not called to become what I've always believed to be wrong with the church today. I have been called to evangelize—without financial support or formal ties and boundaries. What better way to show the world God is faithful, than to have him as our sole benefactor? He is free to take us wherever He wants, in whatever way He wants. With regards to evangelizing I receive no objection from the community—but no personal interest in participating either. All agree that the Great Commission stands, and that advancing the Gospel is good, but most will ask the Lord to send laborers, other laborers, to the harvest.

I for one do not wish to participate in doing nothing while people die without hearing about Christ. The Kingdom of Christ was never advanced by the silence of its believers. The Church stands today because of the giving of the Savior's life, and the sacrifice of blood of its saints. Sacrifice, not success or security, is the foundation of the New Testament church. Blood seals our testimony, following in the shadow of Christ's example.

Formalities have watered-down the New Testament church. We are dealing with human souls, not mindless objects. Creeds and confessions serve not only to solidify our standards of belief, but also to lull us to undisturbed sleep. It is of no use to the sinner who has yet to hear of Christ. The word does not go forth by what we know, but by what we do with what we know. What men need is Christ. What we have is Christ. What we offer instead are formalities, conferences, and academics, and deny from them the living Christ, the reality of His power, and the blessedness of sharing in His suffering. We do this whenever we are content in congratulating ourselves for reciting creeds and confessions, while steering clear from biblical truths that place us in the path of suffering. We need to plead with the Lord for the souls of sinners. We need to plead with sinners for the sake of the Lord.

It was an evening in 2017. And I remember appealing to a brother with whom I had been praying for a very long time to come see me and share with him this growing burden I have of proclaiming the gospel in public. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, so I hoped he would come with me. I invited him to accompany me but he replied, "I'm fine with that. Why not? If I really wanted to I could do that. But wouldn't I be throwing pearls before swine?" I cannot recall much of what he said after that. In the end I invited him to pray with me. The thought of taking the Gospel in public was bearing down heavily on me with such weight I was in grievous agony. I thought that of all the people God would choose to speak publicly, He had to appoint one who resented and feared public attention. I loathed the idea, but God hath already arrested me.

I remember the words of my prayer: "If you are indeed sending me, then be with me. If this is not from you, take this away from me. But if this is from you, give me no rest until I go; else I will pull you down from where you are until you show me it was you who sent me." 

I see now that saying such a thing was irreverently stupid of me. But that prayer was answered, and my conditions met. It seems God does understand the sincerity of a fool's prayer, and is only pleased to answer such who is willing to obey. 

I died that night. From that moment on, everything that's happened to me has been steadily  pulling me away from seeking the approval of men, and setting my face steadfastly like a flint, immersed in this heavenly call.