Critical Self-Examination

From my journal entry, early morning, December 5, 2017, 9:15 AM

I would that God be pleased to let me see my utter vileness. Minute specks and shadows of pride lurking in the spaces of my heart that I know little of. For there are two avenues in my past life that the devil exploits to sore thrust at me, and bring about, more than discouragement, my fall: pride and lust. I am all too familiar with this deadly two headed snake of my past life. The former I am yet able to recognize and abase, the latter I am able to recognize but have yet to slay.

Indeed there is now no condemnation for me in Christ Jesus, but the burns of these stenches on my carnal flesh, which had gained mastery over me for most of my years, war with me most oft.

The devil tries much to wear me down with lust before, during and after prayer, and where he fails, he pushes in pride. He alternates between the two, and I have failed in my flesh enough that I am left discouraged and unwanting to continue, for how else, the devil says to me, will God use a most vile vessel as I am for his work?

How often have I ran towards the scrutiny of the Holy Ghost, fervently asking a thorough searching of both my heart and my thoughts, to see if there be any wicked way in me, and to cleanse me of secret faults. But somehow these inner conflicts may still serve to purify my most treacherous heart, as the Lord mercifully allows them to circle me continually, if only to ground me through my weakness, so that his strength should be my only rest. God has great revenue in the infirmities of his people, as he gets glory in breaking the back of that sin with his power, every time we cry out to him for help.

When I read how God would show no respect to any earthly king, hardening whom he hardens, and showing mercy to whom he will show mercy, just as he pleases, I am reduced to dust without value. But immediately after, the words of my Lord doth greatly comfort me, "The Father hath called thee, in no wise will I cast thee out". May my Lord grant that I should know myself.

The higher I am taken up to new visions of holiness, the more I see of my wretchedness and sin. I wish with my whole heart to see my sin in the same light as God sees it, and that its horrors should slay me in grief and sorrow. I have never known till now the strength of temptation, and exceeding sinfulness of sin. It is my great fear to take upon myself the glory that belongs only to the Lord, as I am always wary, that though I be used as a mere mouthpiece to communicate the Lord's mind towards the people, that these same cannot see past me to the Lord, and the convicting fruit of the work, should funnel instead to my head, and not to the praise and glory of the Father.

I am as futile as a grain of dust that stuck to the Lord's sandal as he walked past, but I am also as loved as the drop of water that clung to his finger as he drew it up from the seas. I live in fear daily in the reality of both his goodness and severity, not that at any time he would cut me off, but that at any time I would fail him, and therefore grieve him.

I ask therefore that though the Lord my God does his work by me, as he can most certainly do with any other man, saved or unsaved; that he should, all the more, and with much grace and mercy, do his work in me.